James who was NOT Jesus' brother

It's been a long time since I've read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, longer than it's been since I've posted anything to this page. But it's not a book easily forgotten. The adventures of a young boy, floating down the Mississippi River with a runaway slave tends to stick with you especially when you're an impressionably young yourself. 

I had heard a lot about the book James: A Novel by Percival Everett. I subscribe to several publishing newsletters, and this manuscript has appeared multiple times as one to be on the look out for. Then a friend talked about how good it was so I determined to buy it and see for myself. Luckily, it was not very long. I think I would have been rather discouraged to find it being as hefty as the original version. I dove in and finished it in about two days. Given work and my own writing attempts and the grandchildren's escapades, two days is a long time for me to read something. Left to my own devices, I could have finished it in a single day, that's how engrossed I became in this novel.

The story is told from Jim's (the slave) point of view. He is about to be sold away from his family, so he runs away. He meets with Huckleberry Finn and their life on the river unfolds. They have many (mis)adventures but manage to escape them with most of their skin intact. They encounter the Duke and the Dauphin, the Blackface Minstrels, and even a riverboat or two. Eventually, they return home to find not quite what they were looking for, but something more profound and life-changing.

Everett's writing style is at once thought-provoking and funny. He takes you deep inside the mind of his character, forcing you to see life through their eyes and their thoughts. This tends to alter something in your psyche so that you are changed even if it is in some infinitesimal way. You come away from reading this book different from when you started it. If you don't seriously question yourself and society's mores after James, then something was possible wrong to begin with. 

I believe this book is for the ages. It speaks not just to the morals of the day, but to those of today as well. Much of what Jim (James) and Huck encountered is still repeated albeit less openly. Discrimination is alive and well in this country and it's not just limited to a single race. 

Do yourself a favor and read James: A Novel (Percival Everett: Doubleday: 320 pages: 2024). I promise you won't regret it.

It's Been Too Long

 I can't believe that it has been three years since I last wrote anything on this blog. Talk about procrastination! So much life has happened since 2019, I don't even know where to start. Since then, two grandchildren (The Boon and The Boggle) have made an appearance; we gained a new Cat (That Stupid Cat Thing went to meet her Maker); I retired after 30 years in K-12 education, got bored, and got a job in higher education; The Hubby changed companies (still in the same position, somewhat); and The Cinderella semi-moved back home. The Free Spirit still lives on the other side of the country, and The Eldest and her husband bought their first house (It is really nice and just perfect for their little family). Covid has hit our family twice (The Hubby and The Cinderella) but both cases were quite mild, so we've been very lucky on that front. The Parental Units on both sides have all managed to avoid it, and that is another blessing.

So, what about 2022? I still don't make resolutions, still think they are self-defeating promises that will inevitably end up broken, causing us to feel even more guilt than when we made them in the first place. I still try to make goals. For this year, I hope to:

1. Continue to work on the bucket list even if The Hubby thinks it's morbid. I've actually managed to check off a few things in the past couple of years. See the page titled "Random Plans" for more information.
2. Copy a verse (or three) of scripture every day. I've actually been doing this for a while now and have found it to be quite calming to my soul. From here on out, I'm just going to be more intentional about it.
3. I am NOT going to let other people control my behavior. How I choose to act or react is up to me. No matter how aggravating or out of line people can get, I can still choose to be calm and kind.

I still suffer from depression and anxiety and have to battle these demons on a daily basis. Still making my lists, and setting goals like these actually helps me a lot. If I stay busy, I tend to win the fight most days. It's when I am bored with nothing to do that I find myself in the dark, losing the battle with my mind. Hopefully these goals will keep me focused and grounded enough that I don't give in to the demons too often. Plus, I've taken up new hobbies and I have many UFOs (unfinished objects) to complete. And I have grandchildren. I should never be bored again.

So here's to 2022. May it be filled with peace, happiness, and love. And a distinct lack of Covid for you and yours.

God bless you.

To All the Teachers I've Loved Before...

Dear Mrs. McWhorter,

I must apologize. I have been remiss in keeping in contact with you over the years, and now this is the only medium I have to express my thoughts regarding our time together in the early 1980's at Cedar Bluff High School.

I can only hope you would have remembered me as you were my only science teacher during my three-year tenure as a student there. I can still see you behind your lab table endeavoring to impart to us the building blocks of life and the fine art of combining chemical equations (which I still cannot do through no fault of yours).

I greatly admired you, Mrs. McWhorter. You were always so elegant and ladylike. You rarely got upset and when you did, it was more along the lines of "I'm very disappointed in you," rather than any real anger. Even when, after being hit with a softball, I threw up on your beautiful, suede, high-heeled shoes, you never lost your cool. I think I knew, even then, that I wanted to be just like you when I grew up.

I remember so many of your lessons, even though I was not the most stellar of science pupils. And I remember lessons that had nothing to do with science. I remember dissecting earthworms and grasshoppers. I remember freezing (and thawing) goldfish. I remember hatching maggots. I remember making protective viewers to watch a solar eclipse. I remember being the pilot class for marine biology. I remember being in a class of three and you trusting us to do labs on our own. I remember your story of blowing up a frog in the vent hood (and wanting to try it). I remember being the one lucky enough to get to clean the salt water tank (and learning that certain fish will eat sea urchins). I remember completely dissolving a scrub brush in pure bleach thinking I was simply disinfecting it. I remember the smell of formaldehyde. I remember missing out on anatomy and physiology because no one else wanted to take it. I remember melting glass rods trying to make little animals. But most of all, I remember being at home in your classroom.

That feeling, Mrs. McWhorter, is what I try to give my own students. A sense of belonging, of being somewhere safe with someone who shows them, not so much the mechanics of being an adult, but the art of it. What gentleness and kindness look like in action every day. How to be a lady, no matter what.

I miss you, Mrs. McWhorter. I wish I could sit with you and thank you for all that you gave to me and to the rest of your students. But...I waited too long, and this is all I have left. Hopefully, somehow, somewhere, you're aware of this letter, and know how much you were appreciated during your lifetime. Thank you.

Love,
Kimberly Oliver Edmondson (80-83)

My Bucket List

Has it really been that long since I have posted anything on this blog? I am ashamed. I know I've started a dozen different times to put something out there, but life kept calling me away, and somehow I just never got back to the writing. (The infamous) They always say that the new year will be better, and I truly hope so, because this year I've actually set some goals for myself (and for The Hubs though he doesn't know it yet).

I don't do resolutions. That word just has bad connotations. For those of you who do not know the meaning of that word, it means bad juju vibes. You start off with your new year's resolutions, but in the back of your mind, you know you will probably fail before January is halfway through. Then you do. Bad juju vibes.

Instead, I set goals. But isn't that the same thing? Nope. Resolutions tend to be big, honking things with no end in sight. I'm going to lose 50 pounds, or I'm going to tithe more. What do those things even mean? Goals have a purpose. I know what I'm doing, how I'm doing it, and how long it's going to take. And I have very few of them so that I don't get overwhelmed and do nothing.

First things first, I only set goals for one month. I figure I can do anything for January. I'm broke (thank you convoluted pay schedule) so I might as well work on things I can control. Admittedly, by the last week, I'm struggling but by then I've seen a little progress, so I can usually hang in there. Hey, it's only thirty days. (I don't count the first; I like my black-eyed peas a little too well for that.) If I can make it through January, well then, February is a short month, I can easily handle that. As long as the wind blows in March, I'm good (yep, that's weird, but it works for me), and April is the beginning of spring so it's like a whole new life has begun. Get where I'm going with this? Every month has it's own reason to stick with goals. Before you realize it, December has arrived, and, hey, you're not going to blow a winning streak are you?

Then, I only set goals I know I can do. For example, I'm going on a diet this month. I'm only going to eat certain foods and drink only water until January 31. And I'm giving myself two cheat days. Just a little something to look forward to.

So, other than the diet thing (partly me, and partly because the doctor said I needed to stop eating just because I get bored easily) here are some of the goals The Hubs and I have set for the next thirty days.

1. Exercise - Walk more. At least 2 days per week, rain or shine, warm or cold. Starting small, but I'm trying to work up to actually running eventually. I may need something to chase me for motivation, but...
2. Budget - To be more organized about it. It's not that we didn't budget before, it's just that we want to restart out envelope system. If you don't know what that is, google Dave Ramsey and sign up for a class.
3. House - Redo/finish one room. Then another in February. Then another in March. Then another in...
4. Double date night - This one actually starts in February, so clear your calendar, peeps, we might be calling you for a night out with the weird ones.

Which brings me to the last goal and the reason for all this writing in the first place. (And here's where The Hubs comes in though he is as yet unaware) This is my one big, hairy, audacious goal for the year. It's the only one that is open ended and will last all year long. It will take some doing, so if anyone would like to help, feel free to reach out with suggestions, resources, monetary gifts (kidding!) or whatever. I'm going to seriously work on my Bucket List.

Don't panic, I'm not planning on dying, I'm planning on living with a purpose this year. (And if you want to know what my bucket list consists of, click on the Random Plans portion of these blog pages.) I've lost too many people before they had a chance to do the things they wanted to do, and I've heard too many people say, "I really would like to___, but now I'm too old." And I call bull$#!&.

So I'm going to prove it. Therefore, Husband(and children)-O-Mine, if you are at a loss for gift ideas for all those holidays throughout the year, take a look at the Bucket List. There are plenty of things you can help out with on there. 

Will I finish the list? Of course not. I know that. I won't even get a quarter of the way through it. But I'll get a start on it, and that's the goal. So, internet world, my new year's challenge to you is, if you have a bucket list, get going on it, and if you don't have a bucket list, make one and get going on it. You won't regret it and in the end (I believe) you'll be the better person for it.

Happy 2019!

Dragonflies of Summer

I see you out of the corner of my eye
Hovering, waiting.
Sunlight sparkles and your iridescence flashes.
Multicolored raindrops across my skin.
I wait,
Barely breathing,
Praying.
Do you see me?

You disappear.
Flitting off on the eddies of the breeze.
Something has caused you
To go exploring.
Elsewhere.
I wait,
Barely breathing,
Praying.
Do you ever think of returning?

Summer heat shimmers.
Mirages appear,
Then disappear.
Like hope.
You're here.You're gone.
I wait.
Barely breathing.
Praying.
Do I dare to dream?

The nights are longer than before.
Blackness pressing on my heart.
Shadows creeping just on the edges
Of my soul.
Demons dancing through my mind.
I wait,
Barely breathing,
Praying
Do you think of me?

The morning slowly creeps in.
Thoughts ramble.
Do you remember
Lessons of childhood,
When you danced through the days,
A dragonfly of summer?
I wait
Barely breathing
Praying
Do you miss me?


Do you still love me?

No One Told Me It Would Be This Hard

She is the one that kept me up most nights, even before she was born. That should have been my first clue.

I named her for my best friend in jr, high school and my best friend in college, both strong, independent women. Maybe that was where I went off track.

She has always seen things from a unique perspective, and not only did I not discourage that, but I actively supported her creativity. Perhaps that was what set her toward this destination.

In truth, I don't know what happened to cause this overabundance of wanderlust in the Free Spirit, but she is gone now, and I feel as if I will never be whole again.

I knew the empty nest days were coming. The Hubby and I were actually looking forward to them. However, we expected the baby birds to move gradually, one step at a time. The Free Spirit has picked up and moved all the way across the country and I had one week to prepare.

My soul shattered.

It's been almost a week, she reached her destination safely, she has a job, and still I lie awake at night and pray that she comes home. There are places I go where I expect to see her. There are stores I no longer want to shop in and restaurants I no longer want to eat in because those were "her" places and just thinking of going in them again brings on a panic attack. I cannot even look into her room.

My child has not died. She is safe, she calls me frequently (I made her promise to do so), as far as I know she is happy, and she is fulfilling a lifelong dream of seeing something other than the southeastern United States. She assures me that I did a good job. She is fine. I am still broken.

She has always been the one I have worried about the most. Hers is the soul that is easiest to damage, the heart that is easiest to bruise. She feels the most pain and is the most forgiving. Unfortunately, this means she is also the most easily led and the least discerning. Everyone is a friend and all causes are equally worthy. Her capacity to love and forgive is so great that she terrifies me, and I continue to lie awake at night and pray.

I know this is the natural order of life. Children grow up and move away. I did and I'm sure my mother went through a similar experience. However, I didn't move an entire continent away, and I left three siblings still at home behind me. If need be, I can be back in two hours or less. If the Free Spirit needs me, it would be untold hours before I could get there and that's assuming there is an available flight. It would be days if I had to drive. The problem is, I know she needs me.

I need her.

The Hubby tells me all will be well. I know that he is, technically, correct. But for now, it is not. My world feels irreparably broken. There is a piece of my life that is missing that I cannot get back. And it hurts so incredibly much that I want to spend my days screaming.

I now understand why the ancient peoples tore their clothes and sat in sackcloth and ashes.

But I can't. So I go through the days, doing what has to be done, getting through it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, pretending to be okay like people usually do, encouraging her when she calls, taking care of the siblings she left behind, and managing one deep breath at a time.

I doubt I'll ever sleep again.

New Endings, New Beginnings

As another year comes to a close, I, like most people, find myself looking back and reflecting on all of the things I did and did not do over the past months. I had only three goals for 2014, and, for the most part, I managed to get two of the three accomplished. Granted, they were tiny goals, but one has to start somewhere. I did check off a couple of things on my bucket list, spent some quality time with family, and managed to "come out of the closet" so to speak. For those of you who haven't kept up with the insanity that is 91 Highland, a quick recap -

January - Made my goals. I refuse to call them resolutions. I'm not telling which one I bombed out on. That's between me and my Forgiver.

February - The Eldest had a birthday. I don't feel any older...

March - The Cinderella turned 18. Still not feeling it...

April - Is school out yet?

May - The Cinderella graduated from high school. With honors. Hubby and I did the happy dance. The last one through.

June - The Free Spirit and I took a road trip to Asheville, NC. She fell in love. Wants to move there. The Cinderella went to Brazil. She wants to move there.

July - The Hubby and The Free Spirit both hit magical birthday numbers. AARP called. I wonder who they wanted to talk to?

August - School started again. The Cinderella is a freshman once more. However, The Free Spirit is home again, so no empty nest yet.

September - Is school out yet?

October - Missed a week of school with "flu-like symptoms" Weeks of testing to find out what I already knew. Vitamin B levels in the 100 range. Will probably have to have shots for the rest of my days. Can't process vitamins and minerals like the rest of humanity. Stupid abnormal liver.

November - First ever kidney stone, three days in the hospital. I'd rather give birth again. When the doctor went in to retrieve it, the stone had disappeared. It's probably waiting to attack again when I least expect it. Oh, joy. The Free Spirit, The Cinderella and I got to be extras in a movie over Thanksgiving break. Check one off the bucket list. Also hosted two family reunions.

December - Had a nice weekend away with the Hubby. The Wonderdog turned three. Helped the Parental Units with their first ever open house. Reconnected with my college roommate. Christmas was full of blessings and rather peaceful in spite of all the craziness.

Now begs the question - where to go from here? Do I make new goals? Keep the ones I have? A combination of both? It's a bit overwhelming to think about sometimes. I do want to be a bit more organized, eat more healthy things, exercise more, but I'm also realistic. I know what my limitations are. I know that I can stay focused on things for only short periods of time, so I can't say things like, "I'll do thirty minutes of yoga every day for the next year." That would last about three days. I also know I need accountability. Family doesn't help. They're willing to let me slide. I must admit, I did do better in this area over the past year, but it's not perfect, and I need others to hold my feet to the metaphorical fire. Not so easy when you're a severe introvert with social anxiety issues. So, I'll sit and think about it some more, reflect on where I've been and where I want to be, pray, and maybe, just maybe before the end of this year, I'll have next year figured out. Is school out yet?