Countdowns

Spring Break has ended. The official countdown has begun. There are thirty-five days until the end of the 2012-2013 school year. It's almost as if the stress levels are visible, like some insiduous heat wave, rising up through the hallways, choking out our sanity until just the smallest word or gesture causes us to snap and then chaos can rule. For the final month of school, it seems as if everyone walks on eggshells, praying that we make it without a major disaster sending us into a tailspin.

Our lives seem to be ruled by countdowns. Five days until the weekend, twenty-three days left until payday, 117 days until the new school year (118 until my birthday), 226 days until my twenty-fifth anniversary, 229 days until the fifthieth anniversary of Doctor Who (that's important, too) and 262 days until Christmas. Some of these countdowns are exciting; birthdays, anniversaries, etc., and some are stressful. For example, there are 2 days until my next IEP meeting and I'm starting to feel the pressure.

I did not used to be this way. I am naturally a right-brained individual. Creative, emotional, impulsive, illogical (some would say). Very visually oriented. Don't try to tell me how to do something, give me the instruction book. Draw me a map. Don't read to me or lecture me, give me the book. It drove my analytical family up the wall. I was the "scatter-brain." It was not until I was in college that I figured out why I was so different from everyone else. I had never heard of the whole right-brain, left-brain concept and when I took the assessment, I had only one question for my professor. "What does it mean when my score is higher than the ones on your chart?" She was not quite sure what to do. She had never had that happen before. I was so totally right-brained that my left-brained scores barely made a blip on the radar (I think I had maybe a two). I said, "Well, that explains a lot." It meant that I was not really a scatter-brain. I was not secretly adopted. I was not a changling or a royal princess in hiding (darn). What it did mean was there was a lot of work ahead of me. I had to learn how to be left brained.

I did. It took a long time. I went over the top and became a bit OCD because of it. The right brain stuff is still there, it's just augmented by the left brain now. The downside is, I tend to stress over countdowns and schedules. I became a bit of a control freak. Not of everyone else, I'm not a stalker or anything like that. I just need to feel in absolute control of me and my life and my surroundings.

Which is in direct contrast to a relationship with God. I can't say that I am his disciple and insist on control of my own circumstances. (It would be nice to be able to see his calendar for my life, just to get an idea of where we are going.) But, it doesn't work that way. I've got to get off the throne and give it back to him. Every day. Sometimes numerous times a day. Sometimes numerous times an hour. Which (being transparent here) is the hardest thing in the world for me to do in this whole relationship thing. I spent so much time building up the ability to stay in control that giving it up is anathama to me on the deepest levels. It literally tears me apart each and every time. But, to quote a recent sermon topic (springroad.org) the Kingdom of God was made for and of the broken. So, it's worth it. No matter how many times a day or an hour or even a minute, it's worth it.